Cocksucker Blues

[This week’s entry is dedicated to my friend, Greg, who thinks I might be too uptight, fears my thinking is overly methodical, and has on at least one occasion implied that I am not nearly-so-helpful enough to my fellow man. Or woman. I hope this sets your mind at ease on all three points, buddy.]

From time to time, we here at Adri’s Sanitarium come to you with what we hope are helpful hints about how one ought to handle oneself in a variety of common yet exceedingly dangerous everyday situations. You might, for example, remember our previous presentations, “So You Think Your Lung Might Be Punctured” and “So You’ve Accidentally Answered Your Door to Mormon Missionaries.”

This week, we are honored to bring to you a methodical and highbrow intellectual exercise we like to call “So You’ve Woken Up with a Penis in Your Mouth.”

Certainly, this is a situation that has befallen nearly all of us at one time or another, and in such moments of crisis, the mind is besieged in a veritable hailstorm of questions like “Where the hell am I?” and “What did I do last night?” In our experience, however, it is only by approaching this conundrum in a systematic, tried-and-true manner that one can extricate oneself from or further implicate oneself in the situation at hand as necessary.

Furthermore, these simple steps can be called to mind at will using the mnemonic, B-L-O-W-J-O-B.

B stands for Be Aware of Your Own Gender. In any given instance where you find yourself rising into consciousness with a penis in your mouth, you should immediately ask yourself, “What gender am I?” Even if – as seems likely in this scenario – you consumed a prodigious amount of alcohol the night before, this information can in most circumstances be easily recalled or else determined on the spot. If, after conducting the requisite reconnaissance work, you find that you are a male, I refer you to our past presentation, “So You’re Damned to Hell.”

L.         Let’s Stay Calm. Assuming you have determined that a) you are in fact a female, and b) you will therefore simply be able to confess this incident to your parish priest or other relevant spiritual advisor and be completely absolved, we now move on to step two (2): Stay calm. Do not panic, scream, or for pete’s sake, bite down. Also, don’t make any sounds that could be interpreted as gagging, for this is a huge turnoff for most males of the species and who knows, it might turn out that you weren’t wearing beer goggles last night after all.

O.        Only a Penis. So there you are: Awake. Committing what is at worst probably a venial sin. Calm. Collected. Not biting down. But have you considered why it is you are so certain that it is a penis that you have in your oral orifice?

Didn’t think of that, did you? But that is why we are here, and why we offer these ingenious little presentations.

Extensive clinical research has shown that nearly two-thirds of women who believe they have awakened with a penis in their mouth are mistaken. Explanations for this misapprehension vary widely.

First and foremost, sex toy technology has improved at breakneck speed in recent years. Twenty-first century vibrators and dildos are miles beyond anything ever imagined by the wives of America’s Founding Fathers. Such sex toys might easily be mistaken for an actual penis in your mouth. If the size and texture of the object is not a dead giveaway as to its true nature, you might want to try swirling your tongue rapidly around the tip and listening for ensuing moaning somewhere above you.

In the 1990’s, the rock band King Missile increased worldwide awareness of the phenomenon known as the “Detachable Penis.”  In addition, research has demonstrated that nearly 3% of the women in question are simply sucking their thumbs in their sleep. If you find this to be your situation, please refer to our previous presentation, “So You’re 30 Years Old and Still Suck Your Thumb.”

The ugly truth is you might never truly know whether it is a real, in-the-flesh penis you have in your mouth. There are far too many variables at work. It boggles the mind. However, by both checking as to whether the phallic object seems to be attached to a body and checking for nearby testicles, you should be able to set your mind at ease well enough to move on to the fourth step.

W.                Whose Penis Have I Got in My Mouth? And no, that’s not a reference to the popular Sixties British game show of the same name. Alfred Kinsey’s research into human sexual behavior revealed that upwards of 37% of women who had a penis in their mouth actually knew the man connected to the penis in question. So you see, chances are at least fair to middling that you have met this man prior to this morning.

You might want to ask yourself, “Am I married?” Of course, if you find that you are in fact married, you should immediately remove the penis from your mouth. You are, after all, married, so there is no reason to do this sort of thing ever again.

Also ask yourself, “Have I got a boyfriend?” or “Did I order pizza delivery last night?”

J.         Jagging Him. Vulgar though it might sound, the importance of this step cannot be overstated. Simply moving one’s hand up and down the shaft of the penis, no matter how unartfully accomplished, can buy you valuable time to better assess the situation, look around the room, or even place a cell phone call to a friend to ask what in the world led to your being in this situation in the first place.

O.        Oh Boy, There’s the Tremor. Unfortunately, it now appears that you are running out of time. That tremor – and if he’s a gentleman, the accompanying warning tap upon your head – means you must quickly recall whether you fall into the category of swallower or spitter.

Princeton University has recently released the results of a groundbreaking seventeen-year study, and in fact experts today are nearly unanimous in their assertion that…

Oh hell, never mind. It’s a bit too late now, isn’t it?

We should consider making the mnemonic a bit shorter.

B.         Be Friendly. After a reasonable amount of time has passed, remove the penis from your mouth.

If appropriate, introduce yourself.

And the rest, dear Sanitarium resident, is up to you. You are awake. Chances are, the gentleman in question is in a relatively good mood. Who knows? You might even find yourself referring to our beloved presentation, “So Now it’s Your Turn.”

We hope you found this presentation to be helpful. As always, we encourage you to keep in mind that not one of us here at the Sanitarium is a licensed clinical psychologist, psychiatrist, sexologist, or has ever been in a long-term adult relationship.

We would also like to take this opportunity to announce the topic of next week’s presentation, “So Your Multiply Friends Have All De-Friended You Because Your Blog Suddenly Became Uncharacteristically Offensive.”