A Political Time Out

Dear Internet Political Junkie:

On behalf of everyone else on the planet, I am officially placing you in “time out.”

You are hereby ORDERED to refrain from commenting on politics or discussing political and/or social policy, candidates, or events until such time as the next major U.S. election has passed.

And while we agree that this outcome is not merely a shame but a damn shame – and that it indeed could be interpreted as infringing upon the right of political speech that the founders of this nation held so dear – we believe it is an exceedingly better result and punishment that the available alternatives.

You should have heard what the Swedes wanted to do to you. Yikes!

After reviewing all the facts and the extensive online comment record you have amassed, we have come to the conclusion that despite your avowed love of politics, you really do not know what “politics” means.

We even went so far as to consult with your own mother, and she readily agreed that you should be placed into “time out” for your inexcusably reprehensible behavior. In fact, your poor, poor Ma – crying all the while – apologized profusely and tried to assure us that she raised you better than the record shows. We therefore withhold judgment on her child-rearing ability at this time.

What the record shows, my dear Internet Political Junkie, is a long and sullied history of online behavior incompatible with any kind of civil social discussion. In any life context that lacked the anonymity of the internet, you would have been beaten up or institutionalized long ago. Maybe even both.

In fact, one medical expert we consulted “cannot say to a  medical certainty” that you are not suffering from schizophrenia, non-specific delusion disorders, anger issues, and/or the dreaded Tourette’s Syndrome.

 

Let’s briefly review the record, shall we?

1.         Pathological name-calling.   When we went through and removed the words “communist,” “fascist,” “Marxist,” “America-hater,” “idiot,” “asshole,” “redneck,” “racist,” “faggot,” “homophobe,” “religious nut,” and “lazy welfare bitch” from the collected record of your comments, we were left with, well… nothing at all but a random series of words like “I,” “you are” and “the”. Certainly nothing of substance.

And for reasons that continue to elude us, most of these phrases were inexplicably typed using all capital letters.

It should also be noted that the epithets were used against individuals you had never previously engaged in communication with and frankly appeared to be aimed at a someone or someones other than your specific insult victim of the moment.

2.         Over-protectiveness of “your” candidate. We checked and we double-checked – rummaged around the old termite-infested family tree quite a bit, to be honest, and we are now able to say beyond all reasonable doubt that your chosen candidate of this political season is absolutely, positively NOT your father, mother, grandfather, grandmother, son, daughter, boyfriend, girlfriend, or dog.

And this, my friend, makes your visceral, knee-jerk, temper tantrum reactions to even the most tepid of criticisms of said candidate all the more irrational. So calm down: no one is kicking your grandma in the stomach when they question “your” candidate’s fitness for office.

3.         Extreme overuse of the term “outrage.”  Everything cannot possibly outrage you. Furthermore, every story on television and in the newspaper of record is NOT a liberal/conservative conspiracy that further proves “what you’ve been saying all along.”

If you suspect that we’re wrong on either of these points, please refer back to our tentative diagnoses of schizophrenia, non-specific delusional disorder, anger issues, and/or the dreaded Tourette’s Syndrome, above.

4.         Extreme overestimation of your online importance.  Let’s face facts: You know and I know that roughly twelve people read your blog and/or blog comments with any regularity and only about half of those ever respond. And not one of those people can possibly be described as an “undecided” voter. The fate of the country, outcome of the election, or state of others’ souls does not depend on you.

And thank your lucky stars it doesn’t depend on you, because your randomly-hurled insults are not designed to persuade or convince, but rather merely to insult from safely behind your anonymous keyboard.

You see, in a democratic republic such as our own is said to be, politics is about making a difference in your community. It is about working with others to come to an agreement on the sort of society we can all live in. 

What you are doing is therefore absolutely NOT politics. Hard as it is to believe, a hissy fit is not the same as a political discussion. What you are doing doesn’t bear an even passing resemblance to politics.

Maybe you don’t even actually like politics. Have you considered that?

Maybe you just need someone to yell at because that girl turned you down for a date a few weeks back and you didn’t get that promotion you thought you deserved.

We’ve gone to great lengths to try and figure out your motivation, but it’s hard to tell.

THEREFORE, for all of the above reasons and so very much more, it is ORDERED AND ADJUDICATED that you, INTERNET POLITICAL JUNKIE, are hereby placed in “time out” for the duration of the campaign and PROHIBITED from commenting on politics or discussing political and/or social policy, candidates, or events until such time as the next major U.S. election has passed.

You should proceed immediately to the nearest corner of the room and stand there, thinking about what you have done, until at least fifteen minutes AFTER Wolf Blitzer says on the air, “CNN is now prepared to project a winner in the 2008 Presidential race.”

Thank you for your cooperation in this matter. We would be more than happy to have a discussion of relevant political and social issues at such future time as you find yourself capable of holding such a discussion.

Sincerely,

Everyone

 

P.S. Yes, yes, we are only too well aware that we are stinking communists/fascists who are all the same and taking this country to hell in a handbasket.