I (Sort of) Support the Troops

Let me just start off by assuring you – the Reader! – that all-important element in this whole symbiotic relationship we’s got going on, that the opinions expressed herein, hereof and hereafter are not necessarily those of Multiply.

They’re probably not those of the Sanitarium management, either. The Sanitarium’s distinguished Board of Directors has made it exceedingly clear to me – sometimes going so far as to jot furious disclaimers upon crumpled cocktail napkins and torn condom wrappers – that they do not wish in any way to be associated with the contents of this parti-cul-yar blog entry.

Not with a title like this one has. Get real!

I mean, have another look at it…

I mean, all you have to do is to remove the parenthetical from the title – just two measly little words! – and what remains is the most basic, bland Truism our culture has ever yet devised! Atheists and conservatives, Democrats and Theosophists, Objectivists and winos and poets and even NAMBLA itself are ALL in unanimous singing agreement that each and every one of them to the sticky core of their sticky bones (if they have them, and down to their sticky roots and stems if they do not) without question absolutely and positively SUPPORT OUR MEN AND WOMEN IN UNIFORM! [cue triumphant marching music]

And yet, there’s that title, still staring you in the face. Unblinking. Unfathomable.

I should probably back up a little.

The other day, I received an email on my email machine. This pleased me greatly, so I opened it. The subject line said this: “FW:”.

It seems like people are always sending me emails about Eff-Double-u-Colon on my email machine!

The rest of the email said this:

“It is the soldier, not the reporter, who has given us freedom of the press.

It is the soldier, not the poet, who has given us freedom of speech.

If you can read this message thank a teacher,

If you are reading it in English of your own free will THANK A SOLDIER!

It is the soldier, not the campus organizer, who has given us the freedom to demonstrate.

It is the soldier, not the lawyer, who has given us the right to a fair trial.

It is the soldier, who salutes the flag, who serves under the flag,

and whose coffin is draped by the flag,

who allows the protester to burn the flag.”

I’ll admit to you that something about this message troubled me greatly. More to the point, something about the fact that something about this message troubled me greatly troubled me greatly.

So I thunk and I thunk, and the more that I thunk, the more that my American-brand brain got stretched and got twisted, got rollercoaster-mutate-a-bendy-transmorphorized. My American-brand brain has an American flag stamped upon it, you see, so it took an exceedingly long period of time for it to recognize and acknowledge what the trouble was.

The trouble was this: The message from Eff-Double-u-Colon and the email machine was Complete and Utter Nonsense.[1]

And when I recognized and acknowledged that, to be honest, I felt a little bit queasy.

When I recognized and acknowledged that, I fell out of my chair. I staggered slack-jawed out into the hot Houston sun, peering out at the world with fresh dewy eyes, startled, quivering, as though I had awoke to find myself standing before my entire fifth grade class giving a book report in my underwear.

Again.

But friends, I tell you this: I staggered out into that street and as I staggered, I saw it all. Through a forest of yellow ribbons, I saw what I had been missing for so long.

I saw that America has a national religion. Not Christianity not Judaism not consumerism not supply-side-economic-secular-humanist-liberalism-blah-blah-blah.

America has a religion, and the religion of America is Soldier Worship.

Under the tenets of Soldier Worship, five dollars and a signed and notarized letter from His Holiness Rev. Pope President XIV himself won’t get you a cup of coffee at Starbuck’s, but you can get away with anything by uttering the magic words “I Support the Troops” and passin’ around some empty sentimental platitudes next to a picture of a bowing soldier and the American flag.[2]

Under the tenets of Soldier Worship, even a mind-bending language-esque statement like this one might appear to make sense: “If you have not served in the Armed Forces, you should not express an opinion about the war.”[3]

The First Commandment of Soldier Worship is this: Thou shalt not talk about Soldier Worship.

And the Second Commandment of Soldier Worship is this: Thou shalt not talk about Soldier Worship.

So now look at what you and Eff-Double-u-Colon have gone and made me do. I’ve broken the First Commandment of Soldier Worship. And I’ve broken the Second Commandment of Soldier Worship, too.

Is it possible for me to do this and still support the troops?

I support our troops to precisely the same degree I support our carriers of the mails. I support our troops to precisely the same degree I support our drivers of trucks, and photographers of still pictures, and preparers of assorted foods. This seems entirely appropriate to me since, in the military, the job of some individuals consists of carrying mails or driving trucks or taking photographs or preparing assorted foods.

Presumably, soldiers and sailors can be said to deliver the mails more heroically than civilians.[4]

Huh? What is that you say? Oh… Friends, I’ve just received word that 310 million Americans have begun yelling “You suck!” in unison in my general direction.

If you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll step back and let the Soldier Worship Choir take over.

“If the Army and the Navy

Ever look on Heaven’s scenes;

They will find the streets are guarded

By United States Marines.”

America has a religion, and the religion of America is Soldier Worship.

You can trust me on this. After all, I (sort of) support the troops.

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[1] Among the dizzying array of problems with the passage in question is the inconvenient fact that over the past 60 years, the United States has experienced far more serious threats to its freedom from within than from without.

[2] Soldier Worship fundamentalists can be identified using an easy-to-administer home test. In laboratory studies over an 18-year period, Soldier Worship fundamentalists were consistently unable to recognize the following speech as being that of a satirical military psychopath, as penned by a Hollywood liberal crackhead: “You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has walls. And those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who's gonna do it? You?... I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago and you curse the Marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives... I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it! I'd rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!”

[3] A common variation on this, often espoused by Soldier Worship fundamentalists, is known as The Starship Troopers Rule: “Military service is required to earn the right to vote or to hold political office.”

[4] Just to be on the safe side, I tied a blue ribbon around my old oak tree after mail delivery at my house yesterday. The way I figure it, a person is at least as likely to get shot wandering around the streets of a major US city as in a Middle Eastern desert.