Dear Santa Claus

When it comes to finding the perfect Christmas gift – if someone were to want to find me the perfect gift this year – I know exactly what it is I’ll be looking for under the tree.

Because some Christmas gifts, they fulfill the cultural obligation. Some Christmas gifts, they show off how much money the giver has.

But this season, there’s a single gift, one and only one, that will give me exactly what it is I’ve been thinking about all the livelong year. A gift like no other. A gift I’d never dream of re-gifting. The gift that will make me think of you fondly, from Christmas Eve, through New Year’s and all the way through 2010.

I know that by this point and I know that by now, chances are you’ve already figured out that gift of which I speak. But I’m going to say it anyway, just to get it down on paper so that the short bus crowd cannot later claim that they did not know. That they were not aware. That I’d failed to state my wishes with the correct degree of specificity.

One can never be too careful when it comes to asking for the perfect Christmas gift, you know.

So I say unto you, clearly, unambiguously, and without a hint of sarcasm: This year, I want you to get me a Scrotal Skin Purse for Christmas.

Oh, a Scrotal Skin Purse is delightfully rare; it’s a purse like no other purse that ever was, is, or will be, amen.

A Scrotal Skin Purse is the most perfectest of all perfect gifts, because it adjusts to my handbag needs all year round. When it’s the summer and I’m carrying around sunglasses and sun tan oil, flip flops and a handgun and maybe a beach towel or two, the Scrotal Skin Purse will be at its most pendulous. That bag will hold all of my summer supplies!

And then in the winter, when all I really need while on the go are my keys and some loose change and maybe a snack, that Scrotal Skin Purse, it will shrink, it will retract, it will tighten. It won’t weigh me down or get tossed into a closet ‘til the summertime rolls round again.  

See, when a gal carries a Scrotal Skin Purse in the business world, the men know to give her respect. They know she means business. They know to stay clear when she says, “Damn! I’ve worn a hole in this purse!”

When she says, “Looks like I’m going to need to find some material to patch it up later tonight!”

When a gal carries a Scrotal Skin Purse, she’ll never get bored. She can set it down on her desk and watch it shift and change as the air conditioning goes on and off. For real action, she can go open a refrigerator or the window.

It’s like a fleshy kaleidoscope with only one color! Cremastericky fun!

But wait, there’s more! It gets even better. Based on my exhaustive, decades-long research study, these purses, they come in several distinct but tasteful colors: white, yellowish, sort of pink, brown, very dark brown, and quite a few shades in between, besides.

You can surprise me with the color, because, well, really, a Scrotal Skin Purse goes fantabulously-spectacularly-oh!-splendiferously well with every gal’s wardrobe. You really can’t go wrong.

And if this catches on – if Scrotal Skin Purses become the Cabbage Patch Dolls or Beanie Babies of 2010 – just imagine what this could mean for our sagging economy! What it could mean for the U.S. clothing industry (for we all know that U.S. scrota are the very best scrota, that America has balls that can’t be beat anywhere else in the world)!

Jackets and hats and boots and ear muffs! Scarves and socks and even a Scrotal Skin Sweater for my roommate’s hairless cat. For the guys, a Scrotal Skin scrotum warmer to keep their testicles nice and toasty.

Food storage containers that always keep your leftovers at the perfect temperature!

And gloves! Scrotal Skin gloves! Oh deary oh my, this is good news indeed, for with Scrotal Skin gloves on my hands, I will never again feel awkward explaining to people why my left hand hangs down lower than my right.

So you see, there really is no downside to getting me the most perfectest of all perfect gifts this Christmas. No disadvantage to making me the happiest gal to ever cup her favorite Christmas gift in her hand for hours and hours and hours on end.

Oh sure, there’s the outside chance that men will become like horned rhinos in Africa, with poachers chasing them down across the land just to kill them for their ballsacks. But that’s a risk I’m willing to take for the great advantages that a Scrotal Skin Purse will bring.

So now you know what to get me. So go! Go!

Don’t be selfish.

After all, it’s Christmas time.

Jesus died for you, and I’m pretty sure he’d want you to get me a Scrotal Skin Purse as a kind of repayment for that.

Thank you for your seasonal consideration,

Adri