Darkness Fish

To: Arresting Officer <arrestingofficer@cityofhouston.net>
Sent: Tue, August 17, 2010 3:11:46 PM
Subject: Darkness Fish

Dear Arresting Officer:

Darkness fish** have found me again.                                                                                                                                                                                   I don/t know why i thought this, but i really did not think they would this time. I thought that maybe – just maybe! – this time i had somehow managed to build the perfect castle, to construct a labyrinth that would, that could, well…                                                                                                                                                                                   It doesn/t matter. It didn/t work, after all, & darkness fish have found me again.                                                                                                                                                                            I know that it all must sound a little bit strange to you. A little fishy. Most people don/t live their lives in fear of being hunted down by… fish. I mean, i/m guessing not. Hypothesizing. I haven/t done a poll or anything.                                                                                                                                                                                  But these aren/t garden variety domesticated guppies we/re talking here. They/re darkness fish, & by God, they/ve found me. They swam & they swem & they swim, & when they could neither swom nor swum no more, here I was, precisely where they/d left me.                                                                                                                                                                                       Believe me when i say that i/ve tried everything – i/ve been through this in my mind a thousand ways, to the point where i stay up at night making blueprints & such. Maybe fish ain/t so good with right angles or with patterns, or maybe something with mirrored walls... It/s been so many years & darkness fish are still there & i/ve done the best i can.                                                                                                                                                                            First i tried MUSICS. I believed, in order to relax the mind & refresh the soul, one could subject oneself to the sound of musics to keep darkness fish away.                                                                                                                                                                             This seemed like it should have been a spectacular success, especially since darkness fish find their way around mostly using sonar. Like a bat or a porpoise.                                                                                                                                                                              & so it was to this end that i 1^st purchased an item of rhythmic noise patterns imprinted upon a disc of polycarbonate plastic. I remember i was just 8 years in this world, & that the rhythmic noise patterns had been made by noisemakers known collectively as “the cure.” So choosing these particular noises made sense, in some weird way.                                                                                                                                                                              & i pressed “play” & i sat back & it made everything better for a little while. It even made everything good for a little while.                                                                                                                                                                                  & darkness fish, they stayed away for a little while.                                                                                                                                                                          But one cannot forever listen to the same sounds all of the time, over & over, ad nauseum-like. No, for that is the road to madness, contempt, boredom, & darkness fish.                                                                                                                                                                                     It/s like @ my aunt maxine/s house w/ the goddamn dog. The goddamn dog, it will bark day in & it will bark day out. So when you arrive @ her house, you think to yourself, “I am not going to be able to stay here for very long, not with this goddamn dog barking.”                                                                                                                                                                                    But then a little bit of time passes – hardly any time @ all, really – & the goddamn dog is still barking, but you do not even hear it anymore.                                                                                                                                                                                & that is what listening to the same musics over & over is like. Background noise. & darkness fish can swim quite well through background noise, so there had to be MORE musics purchased, & the cure was followed by the smiths & then pink floyd genesis yes king crimson can brian eno lou reed john cale john cage captain beefheart tom waits nusrat fateh ali khan legendary pink dots current 93 mount eerie devendra banhart old time relijun incredible string band nick cave mastodon                                                                                                                                                                                and you/re playing it louder & louder and you/re playing some shit or other all of the goddamn time but it/s never enough now & it/s all background noise & then you taste the bile back in the back of your throat & then you know darkness fish have found you again.                                                                                                                                                                            Have found me again, i mean.                                                                                                                                                                                    So then it/s back to the drawing board time.                                                                                                                                                                         I nailed shut all of the doors & i nailed shut all of the windows & i left the lights on all the time & eventually, i found me a new new fish maze. I found that – were i to apply CUTS @ my wrists & @ my legs just so & very precisely w/ razors – the pain would keep darkness fish @ bay. & the 1^st time the pain sang out like pure light & angelsong & darkness fish could not find me.                                                                                                                                                                                -  Oh, how i wish you could have been there to hear it! -                                                                                                                                                                                & the 2^nd time the pain sang out like nearly pure light & almost heavenly angelsong & darkness fish did not find me.                                                                                                                                                                                  & then there was something about a 3^rd time & a 4^th, but…                                                                                                                                                                                  Next came ALCOHOLS. I know. I know what you are thinking, but follow my logic here. Mental health experts – experts w/ very impressive degrees & very impressive letters after their very impressive names – had been telling me for years that these fish were only inside my head.                                                                                                                                                                                         So me, i just figured, if the fish were inside my head, & if inside my head was drunk… Drunk fish can/t very well track a fully grown adult human female of reasonable intelligence, can they? Go try it out on your beta fish some time. Give the little finned fuckers a pabst blue ribbon & a shotgun & then maybe get yourself like a 15-minute head start on them.                                                                                                                                                                              Next came BUDDHISMS, & those were even worse. I sat & i breathed deeply & i emptied out my mind completely, just like it said in the book. & when i opened my eyes again, there were darkness fish, right in front of me, staring me down. I/d cleared everything else out of the goddamn room, of course they found me w/ no problem whatsoever!                                                                                                                                                                                  COMES NOW, THE LAWS. The laws, w/ their icy peaks of precedent, flying res ipsa loquiturs, their jeweled & shining vigilantibus non dormientibus aequitas subvenits! The laws were a beautiful hopeless labyrinthine edifice & i was the resident queen & i just knew i could wander aimlessly endlessly lost for many lifetimes through legal twists & loops & never never ever even come close to being found.                                                                                                                                                                                                             But something was gnawing away @ me & i knew something was not right & finally, there came a day when i heard banging @ the castle door & i knew…                                                                                                                                                                           Now i/m older & the greens aren/t so green & the come don/t come so good & maybe i should see the world go to medical school fall in love have a kid become the world/s leading expert on reality television.                                                                                                                                                                                 Maybe i ought to transform myself into the world/s greatest fisherman. Fisherwoman? That/s what i/ll do! I/ll be the greatest fisherperson that ever fished for a fish of darkness.  I/ll start off fishing for mine, & then i/ll put myself out there for hire:                                                                                                                                                                          “Got darkness fish? Adri/s got the bait that/ll catch em every time, hook, line & sinker!”                                                                                                                                                                             Maybe that/s what i/ll do. Maybe i/ll do it soon. But darkness fish have found me & i can taste it & though it makes me retch, i cannot cough it up & THAT/S why we probably shouldn/t see each other for a little while.                                                                                                                                                                             Just until this darkness fish thing is resolved.                                                                                                                                                                                     I hope that you can understand.                                                                                                                                                                             Love,                                                                                                                                                                           Adri

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From: Arresting Officer <arrestingofficer@cityofhouston.net>

Sent: Tue, August 17, 2010 3:17:35 PM
Subject: Re: Darkness Fish

ok, adri.

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**The term “darkness fish” is taken from Nurse with Wound’s 1992 CD, Who Can I Turn to Stereo?