Professor ZaZeen (NSFW)

Reader Discretion is Strongly Advised…

…with apologies to Theodor Geisel…

(It’s not poetry, it’s Dr. Seuss!)

                                                           

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Said young Michael O’Malley to Bridget LaVey

                   “I do NOT want to wear one of those when we play

                   They are much too-too tight

                                                     And they get in the way!

                   I tell you, a real man cannot feel a thing

                   If he’s wearing a plastic skull cap on his ding.”

 

And young Bridget LaVey, who was suitably wise

She said,

“Mike,

I know you are PROUD of your size

But if you’ve made your mind up just to get to the prize

You should know that I’ve been round this block…

… once or twize.”

 

Then Miss Bridget LaVey,

Well, she thunk and she thunk

And then out from her closet

She pulled an old trunk

And said

          “Mike, you should know

          If we’re going to spelunk…”

That

When I was a sporting virginic young teen

I met the good Doctor Professor ZaZeen

Who showed me what happens when a boy puts his ween

Inside my Doyplophus without any screen

       

The good Doctor Professor Alphonsus ZaZeen

He said, Bridget, you’re going to meet boys who aren’t clean

That is why… I am giving you this Cork Guatreen

 

Now, a new Cork Guatreen is a great handy gadget

                       With space where a boy can insert potent fadget

                                           Without kiddies resulting, if you can imag’it

 

Oh the soft wrinkled babies to never be born

If we do all our glurking while wearing a Shlorn

You slide in over here, then you breathe through this horn

And you won’t catch the clap and I won’t be forlorn.

Yes, our 21^st Century No-Baby choices

Will soon have us moaning

                             At tops of our voices!

                                                                                

                       

          Now, just for example

          Now, just so you see

          I won’t EVER get knocked up

                             If we use a Pftieee

…But the blades on that thing

They move faster than me!

 

If you won’t use a condom for rolls in the hay

Well, you COULD get a Triffler shipped in from Taipei

But just how that thing works,

Well, I can’t rightly say…

There are so many ways you can axe procreation

With quintuple the fun…

…And no loss of sensation!

 

And he showed me a Mugwamp from Guada-la-loo  

That you take and you shove up inside her hoo-hoo

It eats incoming spermies, that’s all that it do!

Now if you’re up for danger, but don’t want quick eggs

Please allow me to introduce two or three Quaigs

They’re the perfect solution when your boy just begs

I would so love to tell you what the Quaigs, Batch and Megs

                                        Will insert here,

Or rub there

Up betwixt my legs

But we’d run quite afoul of old government regs

Oh the crotch you will see and the bodies you’ll pump

If you go see ZaZeen right whene’er you hump!

 
 

ZaZeen’s Famous Incredible Shop of Protection

Will keep you from need of unsightly C-Section!

And so!

 If you’re considering being my lover

With so many choices, man –

Who needs a rubber?

Then young Michael, he opened his mouth like a yawn

And things they got quiet all a-cross the lawn

He said, “Don’t be a smart ass –

                                      I’ll put the damn condom on.”