Silence

“Those who speak don’t know. Those who know don’t speak.”

Lao Tzu said that. Lao Tzu was one of them old-timey certified wise men. Myself, I’ve never really been all too keen on verified and bona fide so-called “wise men.” For starters, much of what they’re credited with having said seems inherently counter-intuitive on its very face.

I mean, how about that one about “The meek shall inherit the earth”? How long have they been throwing that crock of shit around now? Hold your breath on that one, oh ye timid folk; the check’s in the mail.

Also, if these self-designated “wise men” are really and truly all that wise, then why are they all so poor – sometimes dressed in barely more than a diaper – and living way the hell out in the desert, waiting around to get crucified or burned at the stake or worse by people way, way less wise and meek than they are?  You’d think a good strong mind and a quick wit would be able to outmaneuver a few dim-witted enemies and get out of those situations once and for all.

The whole desert thing in particular has always struck me as easily avoidable.

Despite what history teaches us about the fate of these impoverished and under-fed yokels, a few pretentious college kids and their stoned philosophy professors continue to insist that the rest of us at least pretend to care what various and assorted wise men of the past had to say. And one thing that almost all of the wise men – regardless of era or geography or political leanings – seem to agree on is that depriving yourself of basic life necessities will lead to wisdom, enlightenment, and maybe even joy.

You know what I’m talking about: Don’t eat, don’t drink, sit in one place for hours on end, wear an itchy hair shirt and sit on a bed of nails, so on and so forth and all that jazz.

As someone who has experimented with various self-deprivations – and let’s face it, I’m the only person you know who regularly takes ascetic vows – allow me to let you in on a little insider secret. Come here. A little closer. Closer, so I can whisper it in your ear:

THE WISE MEN ARE YANKIN’ YER CHAIN! There’s no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  Giving up sex doesn’t make you smarter – it just makes you think about sex more. Flushing all your drugs down the toilet? It’ll only make you realize how lame your life is.

A few years back, before I quit smoking, all the ex-chimneys I knew kept telling me all the benefits to quitting: Increased lung capacity, lower resting heart rate, clearer vision, better physical endurance. What a bunch of snake oil salesmen! I quit the tobacco, didn’t see any of the health gains, and now I’ve lost my excuse to leave the office for ten minutes every hour.

My reason for going into all this – and I’ll admit that this was a long intro even for me – was to definitively demonstrate beyond all reasonable doubt that what follows was absolutely, positively not my idea.

As a matter of fact, it’s all your fault, when you get right down to it. You. My dear, dear Sanitarium residents, I mean. It was you and not me who started making such lusty and inappropriate comments about my friend Angela that she became a regular reader of this blog. And it was you not me who laughed at the very idea of my being able to manage an extended vow of silence.

Not my idea. You bastards.

Ultimately however, it was my friend Angela not you who continued on with an entirely inappropriate amount of laughter about my alleged inability to shut up, squirting Red Bull out her nose, generally busting a gut at the very thought, and then going on and on about it until it was somehow transformed into a double-dog-dare scenario. And as usual, when all was said and done, my steroid-addicted competitive nature had gotten the better of my woefully underdeveloped self-knowledge and common sense.

And so… abracadabra and hocus pocus and all that magical stuff… there has been born unto us this day… THE GREAT SILENCE VOW COMPETITION OF 2008.

The rules, mutually agreed-upon by both participants (i.e., Angela and me), are as follows:

1.                  30 days’ silence to commence at 12:01 a.m. on Sunday, June 22, 2008 and conclude at 11:59 p.m. on Monday, July 21, 2008.

2.                 Silence shall be defined as the cessation of all forms of non-electronic communication, including speech, sign language, pantomime, writing, and all other actions utilized to try to outsmart this agreement through the use of clever loopholes. Silence shall also mean the cessation of electronic forms of communication except as described below.

3.                  Email communication will be permitted during the period of silence only insofar as email communication might be necessary for the continuation of the employment or employment-related obligations of the participants. Participants may complete work-related documents and research projects as needed in the course of their usual employment.

4.                 Each participant may, in addition, choose ONE internet-based social networking forum on which to report the ongoing results of the Great Silence Vow Competition of 2008.

5.                  Each participant may use her voice to communicate with others for one half hour per day during the regular work week as necessary for the continuation of the employment or employment-related obligations of the participants.

6.                  Anyone alleging a violation of the silence vow by either participant may bring his or her allegation before a tribunal composed of mutual friends Harry, Bhoomi, Maggie, Sarah, and Kayli. If a member of the tribunal is the person making the allegation (which seems extremely likely under the circumstances), such member shall disqualify him- or herself from sitting in judgment of the participant.

7.                  Any participant determined by a majority of the tribunal to have violated the silence vow shall pay the other party an amount of money not to exceed one thousand five hundred dollars and no cents ($1,500) and publicly admit the other party’s eternal mastery of time and space.

8.                  Members of the tribunal shall not wager money nor in-kind services on the likelihood of either participant winning or losing the Great Silence Vow Competition of 2008.

9.                  Involuntary vocal exclamations of pain, excitement, or ecstasy shall not be deemed to be violations of the terms of this vow agreement.

10.              Other exceptions to the vow of silence as described herein may be deemed by the tribunal as non-violations in emergency situations, provided that the participant claiming an emergency exception informs the tribunal within three (3) hours of the incident via email.

Again: Not my idea.

Given what I know of asceticism and wise man quotation-creation in general, I have no reason whatsoever to believe that silence will lead to any mental, spiritual, or health benefits for me outside the satisfaction of confirming once and for all that I, your somewhat-humble director, do truly and righteously rule, and the sweet, sweet $1,500.

Mystics, holy men, geniuses and madmen? Y’all ain’t got nothing on me.