Cabin Fever

After two whole days trapped in a house with Arresting Officer, the wheels in my brain started whirling again, and that’s when the real trouble began.

For a while, I considered tearing off his face – his perfect flesh – his impressive pectoral muscle mass – and of course that cock – oh, that cock! – and attaching it all in its entirety – sewing and fastening it whatever which way I could manage – onto some inferior available corpus with a better mind.

But after three days trapped in a house with Arresting Officer, the cold and terrible reality of our situation hit us – hit both of us sort of all at once – and we realized that when we were finally done humping, we would eventually have to speak to one another.

We shrugged and attempted conversation.

The results were even less satisfying than we’d previously imagined.

There was nothing left to do but to keep on with the humping, to hump and to hump, in order to keep at bay the memory of that spectacularly awful conversation that we’d tried.

After four days trapped in a house with Arresting Officer, not even the face – the perfect flesh – the impressive pectoral muscles – not even that cock was enough to keep the voices away. And the voices, well, they said to go get an axe and they said to chop up this simpering moron into itty bitty pieces. To drain the blood from the itty bitty pieces and to individually wrap the pieces in garbage bags. To tape up the garbage bags and then to go sink them in the Gulf of Mexico.

The voices were very specific.

All play and no work makes Adri a crazy girl.

After five days trapped in a house with Arresting Officer, we reached a point where his body became utterly incapable of getting my endorphins flowing. Not even the really kinky, deviant shit worked anymore – or not much, anyway.

So after six days trapped in a house with Arresting Officer, I had to put Plan B into action. After six days, I convinced my friend, Kim, to stop by for a visit. Now, Kim is a great gal – eccentric – great taste in music and books and food – got Tom Waits tattooed on her arm! – knows all the fun things to do in town. I could talk to Kim for days on end about everything and about nothing at all.

But I would not have sex with Kim, oh no. She is frumpy and she is pudgy and she draws her eyebrows on using a magic marker or something. Kim’s body also lacks at least one appendage I find critical in my sexual relationships.

Soon, I had Arresting Officer and Kim securely strapped to chairs – back-to-back – and that’s when everything started going very, very right.

Arresting Officer now wore Kim’s clothes.

Kim now wore Arresting Officer’s clothes. His regular clothes, I mean. Not his cop clothes. I’m not a weirdo.

With an old-fashioned projector, I beamed a film of Kim’s face onto Arresting Officer’s head. With an old-fashioned projector, I beamed a film of Arresting Officer’s face onto Kim’s head. Through headphones, I played to Arresting Officer the sounds of Kim’s heart beating and her lungs breathing and her blood flowing. I played to Kim the sounds of Arresting Officer’s heart beating and his lungs breathing and his blood flowing.

I called each of them by the other’s name and I read them entries from the other’s diary.

And after seven days trapped in that house, my work was complete. And I saw what I had done, and it was good.

Because on the seventh day in that blasted house, Arresting Officer woke up in Kim’s body. Kim woke up in Arresting Officer’s body.

Of course, at this point, Kim’s pudgy, cockless body – containing as it did Arresting Officer’s dull and vacuous mind – was completely useless to me. I discarded it in the dumpster out back.

It’s still out there, I believe, if for some reason you care to look. Who knows? It might work well as a doorstop or maybe as an end table. It’s also talented at saying, “Can I see your license and registration?”

And what now? Oh, now! Now, with Kim’s brilliant and challenging mind and Arresting Officer’s face – his perfect flesh – his impressive pectoral muscle mass – and of course that cock – oh, that cock! – now the real fun can begin!

Sure, there has been some minimal deterioration of mental faculties due to the transference process – for instance, he/she believes Lady Gaga to be “edgy” – but nevertheless…

I have brought the perfect creature into the world. Something never before seen anywhere under the Great Big Sun. Me! Can you believe it?

Next week, we’re planning to trap ourselves in a house for a few days. Just me and him/her.

I’m expecting great things.